Dark skies and Cluttered Thoughts

Hey all. I am back (hold the "a" for a while) (oh and think sly and conniving). Much much better. I have ONE MILLION er or TWO HUNDRED pictures to download. Since it is my first full day back I decided best not to over exert myself sooo I shall instead rant or rave. I haven't decided yet. I bet you all missed me more than words can even express. I know I missed all of you. (lets be honest here. I didn't miss you that much. and I can even stomach the cold hard truth that perhaps I'm not the pinnacle of excitement in most of your lives but it's always nice to sugar coat the truth... just look at st.nick.... so I did miss you more than words could possibly express ** wink** **wink**)

My rant.

I have chosen (mostly by circumstance) to live in a desert... not to be mistaken for dessert (which is delicious but would be much to sticky to live in... although I have imagined it upon occasion) WHAT IS WITH ALL THE FRICKEN (YES i SAID IT) RAIN?

I am not a farmer. I have however learned to appreciate the beauty of a rainy DAY. I have NOT mastered my appreciation for rain SEASON in a non-rain season month. What I do appreciate is a sun filled vacation. A golden tan. Melty ice cream. SO SO many grasshopper guts on the front of a vehicle that it actually STINKS. I appreciate the NEED of ac and of swimming pools and other large bodies of water. I like summer. I know that I live in the great white north and that we may only get two months of "warm" weather out of 12 BUT COME ON. I will be writing a LENGTHY letter to the big guy just to let him know I EXPECT a reimbursement of my august.

I don't know if I have a rave. I feel it might be necessary to combat the negativeness of the post....

hmmm...

Well I don't know if this is positive of negative but maybe just something to chew on. I've been chewing on it.

I have been thinking a lot about people.This subject gets talked about it a lot and I'm not going to say anything profound of life altering. I've just noticed that through the course of my very short (don't want it to end anytime soon) life is that I get busy and I end up neglecting existing and potential relationships and then I end up feeling exhausted or lonely. I will then spend time seeking out a relationship to fill that void. Since graduating and moving through college portion and then through being newly married and now having two busy preschool kids I have find it more difficult to cultivate a "deep" connection to other people. It's something I think is so important to do. I think a lot of societal problems are because of a lack of connection we feel to our communities. My mothers voice in my head is saying, "Get involved". BUT I feel like I do. I feel like many of us get involve. BUT what I think still causes the lack of connection is our own personal guard. In my situation, of having children and being young while doing so, has made me feel very "out of touch" with other women my age who managed to stay "trendy" and who enjoy "freedoms" (etc. not worrying about two small children constantly). I feel this strain in my existing relationships with my sisters and friends who also either aren't married or are yet to have children. I also find myself guarding myself with other moms who have children the same age as mine. I feel like I end up talking in a "safe" zone. The farthest that relationship goes is parenting subjects and children activities. I feel like they (the other women) get to know and understand the parenting side of me BUT there is a lot more to me than that (I don't know what that is just yet... but I'll get back to you on that...;) ) BUT seriously that is the other problem I've encountered. In this early part of parenting I have found it EXTREMELY difficult to find a balance between myself and my kids. I still don't have it. It makes finding other people to connect with difficult. I know that this problem is encountered by both Men and Women and by people who DO and DON'T have children. Human Connection.... I hope I didn't bore you. It's just whats been on my mind.